By Lisa Holley Palmer, Founder of Jump Up, Domestic Abuse Survivor and Speaker
People often say, “Why don’t you just leave?”
But what people don’t always understand is that leaving an abusive relationship isn’t necessarily the end of the danger.
For me, it was the beginning of one of the most frightening periods of my life.
I had finally found the courage to leave.
And then everything exploded.
What happened after I left
I don’t think I have ever been so scared.
There were screaming threats to kill me.
There were 83 missed calls within an hour.
There was banging on windows.
There was hiding.
There were locked doors.
My mum was frightened for her life too.
I genuinely didn’t know what was coming next.
When you hear people talking about having a domestic abuse safety plan, please understand why that can be so important.
I can speak about this from first hand experience.
I hadn’t fully understood what might happen when I finally left.
I do now.
Leaving an abusive relationship can be an incredibly vulnerable time. It isn’t simply a case of packing your things, walking out of the door and everything suddenly being OK.
Sometimes that is when the person realises they are losing control of you.
For me, that was terrifying.
Some of the fear stays with you
Today I am a completely different woman.
I am stronger, happier and more confident than I have ever been.
But I would be lying if I said every trace of what happened had disappeared.
There are still certain places I don’t go.
I know that if I went there, I would probably spend my time looking over my shoulder.
I don’t know whether that instinct ever completely leaves you after experiencing serious domestic abuse.
But I do know something else.
You can become stronger than the fear.
I have.
This might sound mad, but I eventually felt sorry for him
Considering everything that happened, this may be difficult for some people to understand.
After I had healed, and believe me, that took a long time, I actually reached a point where I felt sorry for him.
Not because what he did was acceptable.
It wasn’t.
Not because I excused the violence, threats or abuse.
I don’t.
And certainly not because I want him back in my life.
I absolutely don’t.
But eventually I could look at the situation differently.
My ex was an alcoholic. I later discovered, after he had been admitted to a psychiatric hospital, that he had also been formally assessed as a psychopath.
There were also things that happened in his past which are not my story to tell.
Some were deeply painful.
That doesn’t excuse what somebody does to another human being.
But eventually I could understand that he had wounds too.
When we met, I had wounds of my own
When we first met, I wasn’t the woman I am today.
I lacked confidence.
I lacked self esteem.
I had wounds I hadn’t dealt with.
For years, I used alcohol to give me confidence and cover up how I really felt inside.
He had his own wounds.
Perhaps that was part of why we connected.
I showed my vulnerability differently.
He didn’t.
But this is really important:
Having wounds does not cause somebody else to abuse you.
His behaviour was his responsibility.
What I eventually realised was that while I couldn’t control whether he healed, I could decide whether I was going to heal.
I tried to save him
I tried.
God, I tried.
I encouraged him to get help.
I took him to AA.
I tried therapists.
I talked.
I supported.
I thought that if I could somehow find the right person, the right treatment or say the right thing, maybe something would change.
But there is an old saying:
You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.
You cannot heal somebody who doesn’t want to heal themselves.
That was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn.
Something unexpected started happening
While I was desperately trying to fix him, I started looking at myself.
I began seeing my own wounds.
My lack of confidence.
My low self esteem.
My relationship with alcohol.
The things I had spent years covering up rather than dealing with.
Slowly, I started working on myself.
I built my confidence.
I became stronger.
I stopped drinking.
I started healing.
And I began finding Lisa again.
The stronger I became, the more things changed
As my confidence grew, I started seeing my life differently.
I was no longer prepared to accept the same things.
I wasn’t as easy to control.
I was becoming more independent.
I could finally imagine a life outside the relationship.
And eventually I found the courage to leave.
That was when, as I would describe it, shit hit the fan.
But despite everything that followed, leaving ultimately gave me my life back.
Looking back today, I genuinely believe that if I had stayed, I might not be here.
Why am I grateful for somebody who hurt me?
This is probably the hardest part for people to understand.
I am not grateful for the abuse.
I’m not grateful for the violence.
I’m not grateful for the fear.
I’m not grateful for the threats or the years of walking on eggshells.
But I am grateful for the woman I eventually became.
That relationship opened wounds I had spent years trying to cover up.
Once they were exposed, I finally had to deal with them.
Did it happen overnight?
Absolutely not.
It took years.
But I healed.
And perhaps that is why today I can have compassion for somebody I never want to see again.
I hope one day he heals.
I genuinely wish him the best.
But I never want him anywhere near my life again.
Those things can exist together.
Compassion does not mean allowing somebody access to you.
Understanding why somebody may be damaged does not mean you have to sacrifice yourself trying to repair them.
Was the grass greener?
People worry about this when leaving an abusive relationship.
What if I leave and my life is worse?
What if I can’t cope?
What if I’m alone?
What if I’ve made a mistake?
So was the grass greener for me?
Absolutely bloody yes.
Was it easy?
Absolutely bloody not.
Healing after domestic abuse takes time.
I had to rebuild myself.
I had to rediscover who I was.
I had to build confidence and self esteem.
I had to deal with things I had buried for years.
But today I can genuinely say that I have never felt happier or more confident in my life.
You cannot save somebody who doesn’t want to be saved
This is probably one of the biggest things I have learned.
You can love somebody.
You can support them.
You can take them to AA.
You can find therapists.
You can encourage them.
You can give them opportunity after opportunity.
But ultimately, you cannot heal somebody who doesn’t want to heal.
At some point I had to stop trying to save somebody else and start saving myself.
Why I speak about domestic abuse today
Today, I use my lived experience to help other people.
I am Lisa Holley Palmer, Founder of Jump Up, a domestic abuse support organisation in Kent. I am also a domestic abuse survivor and speaker.
I speak about domestic abuse, domestic violence, coercive control, alcohol and abusive relationships, why survivors stay, what can happen when somebody leaves an abusive relationship, domestic abuse safety planning and, importantly, healing and rebuilding afterwards.
I also speak to businesses and organisations about domestic abuse in the workplace.
Because somebody can arrive at work beautifully dressed, smiling and appearing completely in control while privately living in fear.
I know.
I did it.
Domestic abuse speaker for workplaces, businesses and events
Through Jump Up, I am available for domestic abuse awareness talks, workplace talks, corporate events, conferences, panels, podcasts and media interviews.
I talk about the things that can be difficult to understand unless you have experienced them.
Why didn’t you leave?
Why didn’t you tell anyone?
Why did you protect him?
Why did you appear calm?
Why did you go back?
Why did nobody at work know?
And what actually happens after you finally leave?
My talks are ultimately about survival, resilience and hope.
Because I don’t want somebody experiencing domestic abuse to read my story and think their life is over.
I want them to know something else.
Your life can begin again.
Life after domestic abuse can get better
If you are reading this and recognise yourself in any part of my story, I want you to know that healing is possible.
It may not happen overnight.
It may take longer than you want it to.
You may have days when you feel incredibly strong and other days when you don’t.
But you can rebuild.
You can rediscover your confidence.
You can find yourself again.
I know what it feels like to believe you have completely lost yourself.
And I know what it feels like to finally find yourself again.
Today I am happier and more confident than I have ever been.
So yes, the grass really can be greener.
You cannot force somebody else to heal. But you can choose to begin healing yourself.
Jump Up provides domestic abuse support in Kent, including Tunbridge Wells, Paddock Wood, Cranbrook and surrounding areas. Lisa Holley Palmer is also available as a domestic abuse speaker and lived experience speaker for businesses, workplaces, conferences, podcasts and events.
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